Vital Stats:

Title: EMI liya hai to chukana padega.

Starring: Malaika Arora, Arjun Rampal, Aashish Chaudhary, Sanjay Dutt, Manoj Joshi, Urmila Martondkar, Javed Rizvi, Neha Uberoi

Director: Saurav Kabra
Length: The bloody thing never ends!

Plot: This movie is based around the entire concept of people taking too much money on loan from banks which they cannot repay. The bank in this movie is called "All India Bank". Some dufus people take loan from this bank which they are unable to pay. The bank hires the services of a "recovery agency" run by Sattar Bhai (Sanju Baba) who is actually a "bhai" or a goon (yawn!). He is a rough guy with his motley collection of rough clowns who go about recovering money for the bank. One fine day Sattar bhai decides to enter politics and is advised by his mentor to start helping people so that they can repay their loan instead of strong arming them. Well he follows this advice and eventually becomes a MP. And then the movie ends and you yell yippee! I can escape!

My Psychobabble:
O teri maan ki!

After getting up from "One Two Three" half an hour into the movie I was confident that I have finally suffered my share of bad movie karma until I went into this one. Hare Raam kya barbaad movie thee! Everything about the movie was bad, horrible and pathetic. Direction was abysmal. I would have thought that someone directed (misdirected?) this movie while sipping some single malt scotch but things were so bad that if there was any alcohol involved it would have to have been a "desi tharra" and nothing else. The actors were all symbolisms of "how not to act" including our very own Sanju Baba. Sanju bhai it is time that you get off this high horse of being a "bhai". Admitted you have played some classic and awe inspiring parts as Munnabhai lekin bhai har cheez ki hadd hoti hai yaar! I mean enough is enough!

Tangent: (Tangent is a point where I blabber something completely unrelated to the current topic in discussion. Something like a warning light if you will) - If you have already noticed my repeated use of Hindi (and its variations) I urge you get used to it. I have decided to increase the use of my mother tongue while discussing Bollywood movies. If you haven't, then stop reading my reviews while drunk!

Back to the review then. Urmila, hmmm Urmila, Urmi! Totally dragged to the earth, buried in and then stomped over to a make sure that even an ounce of her talent should not be able to breath. When the director made her wander the streets of Mumbai feeling all lost and helpless the audience cannot do anything but either laugh or band their hand against their forehead. Then there is this issue about the way her character has been scripted. One moment she is a recent widow with a 5 year old daughter fighting for a false insurance claim and in a blink of an eye she is a sultry diva dressed up in a fiery red sari dancing over a yacht to a live band on a moonlight night with a "bhai"? Ab yaa to main pagal hoon ya fir ye director kyonki mujhe to ye sequence and this "sudden change of character" samajh nahin aaya.

The other actors/characters are not even worth mentioning let alone discussing. It would be more interesting if I tell you about the various types of ants, their colonies, their unique civilizations etc. etc. than talking about those insignificant occupiers of some reel space. At least you can amuse yourself by placing some obstacles in the path of an ant army and watch them skirt around it!

Well all was not bad about the movie. To be honest I appreciate the idea behind the movie and the story line. It was actually quite good. I only wish the execution of the entire concept was even mediocre.

Verdict: If you want to really see how a brilliant idea can be slaughtered so mercilessly then please by all means jaiye aur jaake apna khoon jalaye. But if I were you, I would rather just read my review again (hey I am fun!) and then go and watch Dostana ;) Enjoy!