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So another weekend passed by and this time in the UK it was a long weekend. I was hoping to catch up a few movies but I could only manage to squeeze in this one unfortunately. Without further ado, here is my review of this movie

Describe the movie in one word: WhatAnUtterDissappointment

Vital Stats:

Title: INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

Director: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Ray Winstone, Jim Broadbent, John Hurt, Shia Labeouf
Length: 112min

Plot: Setup in 1957 Indy has escaped a Soviet madwoman who wanted to use him to restore a certain mysterious magical skull to a mythical city set deep in the hearts of Amazon. Indy acquires a sidekick who in my opinion is perhaps the worst sidekick I have ever seen in any movie (counting even the worst Batman one!). So this Soviet madwoman (more like a real pissed off clown really) is hunting Indy who is running away from her and has also sadly become a suspicious character in the eyes of FBI. The legend says that whoever restores this skull to this mythical city(of gold) would acquire the power to control human minds and thus be invincible. Indy must now find and restore this skull before this Soviet madwomen does if he wants to save the world.



My Psychobabble: Seriously Steve(n) basing a movie in 1957 doesn't mean that you use the 1957 jokes, humor, technology, stunts and scriptwriters mate. I mean come on now you are a good director, you know better than this to use a snake in your scenes that looks more fake than the one used in Anaconda (at least we had J-Lo there to keep us interested!). The movie my readers is just about as good as the fake dianosour dung Steve conjured up in Jurrassic Park (all of them) and I DONT mean this in a good way. If I were to simply list the gross technical mistakes in the movie I would perhaps be creating a whole site dedicated to the "oops in the movie" so I would not go there. But just to list a few

  1. Indy escapes a proper extreme Nuclear Blast that occurs like a mile away from him by hiding in a refrigator! It doesnt end here, the refrigator gets badly and I mean badly thrown up on rocks yet survives and whats more - our Indy survives. He then opens up the door, walks out, looks at the mushroom cloud of fire and radiation and walks away. Now I am wondering why wasn't Indy affected by the radiation? Is he like a black hole or something that can bend energy? Perhaps he is, perhaps not, Steve knows!
  2. Snake scene - So Indy and his Mrs are stuck up in quicksand and his side kick is trying to pull them out. What does he come up with, a rope? Nahh! A freaking live snake! Indy grabs the snake and the side kick pulls him out. Damn! Let us use snakes on mountaineering expeditions throughout the world now. Apparently they are as strong as ropes and hey if you carry a mama snake and a papa snake you can always make them breed (wink wink) to produce lots of baby snakes and have an unlimited supply of ropes! Voila!
  3. Magnetism: Seriously Steve and I mean VERY seriously here. Why does the "strong magnetic" power of your objects come into picture ONLY when the hero drags the box containing them from beneath the other boxes? Wood doesn't stop magnetic effect! Why oh why does the object start attracting guns when the lid of the box is open!
  4. Oh fock it I dont care anymore


(Brrr! I am so scared of her)

Despite these(and many more such) goof ups the movie is completely and thoroughly boring. It appears as a selection of random clips thrown together by a drunk 14 year boy who got his hands on his dad's laptop when dad was away, got very excited on the prospect of watching p0rn but drank too much beer, got utterly mixed up in his head and ended up using windows movie maker rather than windows media player, got scared, tried to hide the movie but couldn't. The dad came back, saw the movie on his laptop and thought "Hey you know what! Maybe I can shove this one to Hollywood if I publicize this right (wink wink)"

(Jeez what an uttely rubbish techy joke I cracked up there. Steve's talent has certainly rubbed off on me!)

Yes the movie is boring and does appear very disconnected and incoherent. The effects are from 1957 and so is the execution of the script. Towards the climax a very interesting phenomenon happens concering the Soviet mad woman. I won't give the details here but would share a joke that shall explain what I am trying to say

So there is this dude whose like maxed dedicated and stuff. He prays like straight on for a gazillion years to his God, doesn't eat or sleep or you know any other morning stuff as well (and is seriouly ill) but constantly prays and prays and prays. Eventually God gets real buggered up and decided to pay him a visit mostly because God is so ultra sick of this idiotic attitude of his. So God comes to him and feeds him the usual cock and bull story of how much God is impressed by his devotion and asks him to chose between infinite wealth or infinite wisdom. The dude is so like impressed by God appearing and is so bloody satisfied that he asks for infinite wisdom. Bang! There is the usual Harry Potter style wizardry effects (I mean come on God is not like Steve to cut down on effects here) and when the smoke clears the guy is flat out on his back with his hand on his forehead. The passerbys get real worried and shake him and throw water at his face (I bet one of the more drunk dudes kinda u know releived his bladder there). The guy slowly comes back to life and has this utter gloom look on his face. When the other guys ask him "dude whats up? What happened man!" He slowly looks at them with these eyes shinning like diamonds from his profound wisdom and says

"Should have asked for money. Should have should have asked for money"



Verdict: If you are not a die hard Indy fan but liked his earlier movies then I would suggest you skip this one. It would seriously tarnish the memories of the earlier ones. For die hard Indy fans who want to hunt me down now and kill me, check my advise that I gave in my review of Iron Man here http://john-on-movies.blogspot.com/2008/05/iron-man.html. For those who dont care shite about Indy phobia, guys there are better movies out there, dont waste your time and money on this one!