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No Preamble. Read on and you will know why. Warning, spoilers in my psychobabble.

Describe the movie in one word: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Vital stats:

Title: BhootNath

Director: Vivek Sharma

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Shahrukh Khan, Juhi Chawla, Satish Shah, Rajpal Yadav, Aman Siddiqui.

Length: 147min

Plot: Shahrukh Khan is a Chief Engineer (whatever that means) aboard a cruising ship. Wherever the ship goes he goes with it (doing whatever a chief engineer does over a ship). He is married to Juhi Chawla who is an ideal bubbly yet decent, funny yet sensible, sexy yet not sleazy kind of a wife and a very yum mum kind of a mother to their son named Aman or as he is affectionately called – Banku.

Shahrukh’s company rents a house for him in Goa (heaven knows why) where he puts up Juhi and their son before leaving for his ship. This house is supposedly, oh hell it is actually haunted by the ghost of its previous occupier – Amitabh Bacchan. Now Mr. Bacchan’s ghost doesn’t like anyone staying in his villa so he tries to scare the family out. For some reason he starts with not the adult Juhi but the kid Banku. Obviously he fails, falls in love with the kid (the paternal kind you sick pervert!) and allows them to stay. Oh heck he teams up with the boy and they have the usual Bollywood movie style fun in the boy’s school etc. etc. Towards the climax you get to know why Mr Bacchan’s apparition didn’t like anyone staying in the villa and what ultimately happens to his ghost or soul or whatever he/she (do ghosts have gender by the way?) is.

My Psychobabble: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! WTF does this B.R. Chopra (BRC from now on) dude has against the Indian children (I am not talking about Banku’s character in here). If you have seen his previous movie Baghbaan you would know what I am talking about. I mean this guy BRC is like male Ekta Kapoor of the big screen. She casts black shadows of evil on mother in laws and daughter in laws whereas this BRC guy aims his evil splattering gun onto the sons in the family. Marry this BRC and Ekta Kapoor and presto! You have the worst possible traditional Indian family living together under the same roof with bahus torturing saas-es, saas-es torturing bahoos and sons hatching and conjuring up evil schemes to torture their parents sneaking up in their dark corners with evil horns sprouting on their head and a forked tail banging the ground behind them!

This BRC guy always portrays boys who have grown up and are married as direct descendants of Satan whom the Satan unleashed on this world to inflict ultimate super cruel misery onto their parents! Ah fock! I mean what is his focking problem! When his last movie Baghban was released, damn I had had a nightmare watching it with my dad (I lost my mom about 7 years ago to a freak medical incident) who was in constant tears throughout the goddamned movie. By the time the movie ended I was wishing for the floor of my third floor flat (in Delhi then) to give away, for me to fall through it and promptly land on the guy who lived on the second floor (mostly because I didn’t like that bloke and I value my life a bit. I just didn’t want to be in the same room as dad.). When the movie ended, my dad gave me such repulsive looks as if I were the single most ghastly evil untouchable creation of God who hasn’t taken a shower for an eternity and who stank so much that my dad would like nothing more to pick up my cricket bat and beat me to a pulp with it.

And now this Bhoothnath that directly, yup my readers directly hits at the relationship between a son and his father and that too a son who leaves his father and his sick dying mother to go abroad and then turns into this evil money minded gold digger! What’s even more he marries a perfect “I speak Hindi with Amrikan accent” Amrikan kudi who in the evil deptt. is the mother load of Satan himself, doesn’t give too hoot for the traditional Indian Bahoo culture and couldn’t care less about her father in law.

Oh man my life is ruined. The moment my dad watches this movie I am so disowned, disavowed, disbarred and generally dissed. Damn I would be the topic of so many conversations between my dad and his brothers and sisters and their families with each conversation starting something like – “hai hai wo to chala gaya sab chodhke, hai hai! Ab aapka kya hoga hai hai! Bhagwaan ko ye din bhi dikhaane the hai hai! Appne kya karam kare the jo aapke saath is umar main aisa hua. Hai hai, hai hai!”

Yes I know I went on a tangent and fock me but I don’t care! I hate this BRC guy, his production house, his mentality, his movies, his basic general approach to life and am thoroughly disgusted with his parents who decided to mate and produce him! Did he forget that he too was a son at some point in his life and was not really grown on a mango tree, that his parents probably had ambitions from him too!

Saala is BRC ki to “£$*%*(£$^*£$(%”)(“)£()”£$)”£$%(£*^$(DFIKGJKT$%^*(*!!!!

The movie was good for the first half. It was almost kiddish really but good fun. Mr. Bacchan’s character and the character Banku do have some innocent fun which is amusing and interesting at times. Juhi Chawla looked superbly ravishing and as usually has completely gelled into her character with utmost ease. She does such an effortless acting really; I mean it is absolutely brilliant on her part. Rajpal Yadav’s character is stupid with no sense whatsoever. His talent has been completely wasted in the movie. Satish Shah gives some much needed humorous moments during the movie which would surely crack you up.

Verdict: Watch the movie if you must but when the movie begins a slow drive to hell by divulging Mr Nath’s past life, make a run for the exit. If you live abroad then don’t, I repeat don’t talk to you parents for at least a weak if you come to know that they have seen this movie. I would have considered this movie good had it not been for that sickening last one hour of the movie which is actually quiet boring never mind my personal grudges.

I am still sticking to my oath of impartial reviews and still advising you to go watch the movie despite personally hating its last one hour. If you ask for my personal opinion then I suggest all the Indian sons should drink hell loads of beer and I seriously mean hell spattering heaven shattering “collectively embarrassing all Germans and British and Americans” kinds freaking loads of beer and make a beeline for this BRC’s house. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to pay my drunken bladder bursting tribute onto the walls of his house.

“Hai hai”